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Does Jesus really know what you're feeling? Does He really understand suicidal tendencies? (10-12 Minute Read)


My thoughts have revolved around the topic of suicide this week. Why is it so hard for so many people I love? Obviously for my family and I, we constantly miss our brother and son. We always wonder why it has to hurt so bad and how we can help others who might be considering suicide as an option. However, this week it was much more in-my-face. One of my friends recognized, for the first time, a mental illness starting to impair her daily life in dangerous ways. Gratefully, she reached out for help! Another friend, finding themselves in an urgent mental crisis, sought help and entered into a behavioral health center for immediate care, which I am also so thankful for. Additionally, at work we have discussed suicidality, as well as the eternal nature of families, in depth this week. Needless to say, my heart is heavy as I consider the immense pain felt so persistently by many people I love.

In my faith, we believe in the power of prayer and fasting. Typically, we fast at least once a month on the first Sunday of the month.  I believe prayer, mixed with the intentional sacrifice of food and water for at least 2 meals, helps me to focus my faith and seek specific blessings from God with increased trust and power. After a week like this one, I was eager to connect with Heaven today through prayer and fasting in behalf of those who are suffering.

As I prayed vocally this morning in private, I had a thought come to mind that had somehow never dawned on me before. I'm pretty confident in my understanding of the Savior's sacrifice. I know Isaiah in the Bible taught that "He (was) despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief..." and that "He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows" (Isaiah 53:3-5). I know Alma's teachings in the Book of Mormon that Jesus allowed Himself to "go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind..." all so that He could "be filled with mercy" and "know according to the flesh how to succor (or run to the aid of) His people" according to their specific infirmities (Alma 7:11-12). But it never clicked like it did today as I prayed and fasted for my loved ones. 

The Savior's Understanding of Suicidal Thoughts:

Have you ever considered that during His life on Earth, Jesus may have experienced suicidal thoughts? Have you considered that He felt the full trauma of a life-and-death skirmish with depression and anxiety? Have you considered that He faced the overwhelming desire to give up, give in to the darkness, stop fighting, and take the easy way out? 

I don’t know exactly what the Savior personally experienced during His time on Earth, but could He have had those thoughts? Possibly. I think He experienced His own variation of those tendencies in a way that allows Him to understand and help us. The scriptures don't say directly that Jesus had suicidal thoughts, but it's clear that He did face the temptation to take what's often perceived as the easy way out. That's in the scriptures when Satan tempted Christ to jump off the temple in Jerusalem (Luke 4:9-13). And Elder Neal A Maxwell, an Apostle, taught, "Christ confides in us His chief anxiety, namely, that He 'would that (He) might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink' (D&C 19:18) - especially desiring not to get partway through the Atonement and then pull back" ("Enduring Well," April 1997 Address). Regardless of whether or not Jesus Himself was tempted by suicide, He definitely felt the severity of the thoughts of every single individual who battles with suicidal ideation. 

Never before had that thought crossed my mind in such an intimate way. Truly, Jesus was "in all things tempted like as we are, yet without sin" (Hebrews 4:15). For Him to have suffered "every kind" of affliction and become truly "acquainted" with sorrow and grief, He must have had to feel the full terror and obsession over the thought that penetrates the minds of so many of God's children: 

"It's never going to get better. I could end it all right here and be free..." 


That obsession killed my brother Sam. I hadn't ever considered that Jesus may have felt that way too. He maybe didn’t experience it exactly like each person does, similar to how He never went through a miscarriage or cancer, but He still understands the intensity of it perfectly.  I comprehend more fully now what Elder Maxwell once explained when he said, "The cumulative weight of all mortal sins- past, present, and future- pressed upon that perfect, sinless, sensitive Soul! All our infirmities and sicknesses were somehow, too, part of the awful arithmetic of the Atonement" ("Willing to Submit," April 1985 Address). That dreadful make-up of infinite suffering caused Him to ask if there was any other way. But if not, He declared, "nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42). 

"The Atonement was an intimate, personal experience in which Jesus came to know how to help each of us... The Creator of the universe has the power to become intimately acquainted with each of us. He learned about your weaknesses and mine" ("A Pattern for All," Elder Merrill J Bateman, October 2005 Address).

So, there it is. Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, understands perfectly the intense appeal and glamor of suicide. 

He relates with the temptation many face to "take the easy way out," although that perception of an "easy way out" is severely misguided. That attraction to suicide is felt by fathers who feel inadequate and fear that they won't be able to provide. It's felt by teens disappointed by life's challenges who dread a long life of heartache ahead. It's felt by young mothers, whose once-healthy mental strength slowly breaks down under the perpetual responsibility of responding to the constant needs of her children. A single adult wanting desperately to find a spouse. A bipolar college student slammed with an unexpected manic episode the week before finals. A young woman wandering through perplexing feelings of gender dysphoria. A single mom going through a traumatic divorce. A young man trying to figure how in the world to tell his very traditional, religious family that he is attracted to men. There are countless examples. These heavy life circumstances that tend to fuel the allure of suicide were felt intimately, and in their entirety, by the Savior of the world. No wonder He cried out: "Abba," "Father," "Daddy" (Mark 14:36 and "The Hands of Fathers," Elder Jeffrey R Holland, April 1999 Address)! 

He experienced the feelings of suffocation, darkness, hopelessness, dread, and sheer panic that accompany the decision to stay and fight or to give it all up. 

As I prayed this morning, I considered the horrible experience Jesus Christ must have had carrying the burden of all who would ever face such mental torture. Then it hit me - Jesus ALSO experienced the pure elation of conquering that very battle. He won. He beat it. He eradicated that threatening darkness! He overpowered mental illness! He overcame the temptation to take ones own life. I felt so much relief when my mind caught hold of that victory. Amid His excruciating mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional torture, He also got to feel how we all feel when we conquer our own battles! He beat death. He beat sin. He beat mental illness. And "because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so... Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will NEVER be left alone or unaided, even if sometimes we feel that we are" (Elder Jeffrey R Holland, "None Were With Him," April 2009 Address). This new understanding was distinct filled me with hope that my friends and family have a guide who's been there before and knows how to win. He is their Great Shepherd and perfect Friend. 

The words from a favorite song come to mind - 
"I know that my Redeemer lives. What comfort this sweet sentence gives...
He lives, my kind, wise heavenly Friend. He lives and loves me to the end... 
He lives to comfort me when faint. He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears. 
He lives to calm my troubled heart. He lives all blessings to impart...
Oh sweet the joy this sentence gives, 'I know that my Redeemer lives.'" 
("I Know That My Redeemer Lives," Hymns Pg # 136)

It really is so sweet. After an emotionally demanding week, it is so sweet to know what He can do for me and anyone I am concerned about. If you are struggling, please don't give up! Don't give in! Jesus already went through it for you and YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Countless people are here for you on BOTH sides of the veil. Hold on. Help is coming. Jesus already won and so can you. It might be a daily battle. It might seem like the war will never end. It might feel easier to just give up. But don't you dare. Even if we don't know each other, reach out to me if you need (timsharp1993@gmail.com)! I'm here along with countless others! Light will prevail over darkness every time if we hold on to hope that things can get better. Choose to fight. Choose to stay. Choose to win. When you do, you and those who love you will be overjoyed that you did. 

In conclusion, I have to say that I felt very inspired and directed in my prayer this morning. The request from God that I felt inspired to faithfully seek in that personal communication with our Heavenly Father was specific and clear. It was that those who are suffering would be able to HAVE and RECOGNIZE the wins - those moments of peace, healing, and relief - no matter how small or fleeting they seem. Then, that they would be able to remember those victories in moments of crisis. I have confidence that God will answer that prayer if we will trust Him. Remember, Jesus knows EXACTLY how it feels to fight through those suicidal thoughts and He knows EXACTLY how it feels to win. You are NEVER ALONE. 


Artwork: Greg Olsen, "Lost and Found," and David Bowman, "Home"

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