Part 1: "How can young people think this is the only solution?” (Written March 13, 2022, 8-10 min read)

TRIGGER WARNING

When I was in high school, I had a close friend who struggled with and gratefully survived repeated suicidal thoughts and attempts. A year later, I had another very dear friend who sadly lost a long-fought battle with cancer. It was during those years of my life that I grew attached to the Rascal Flatts song: “Why?”

It’s a question I have asked a lot in my life. As you might imagine, losing a brother as dynamic and loving as Sam left all of us wondering.

“You must've been in a place so dark, couldn't feel the light reachin' for you through that stormy cloud.
Now here we are gathered in our little home town.
This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd.

Oh why? That's what I keep askin'.
Was there anything I could have said or done?
Oh I, had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong, 
and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song…

You always played with passion no matter what the game.
When you took the stage you shined just like the Sun…

Oh why? There's no comprehending.
And who am I to try to judge or explain?
Oh, but I do have one burning question:
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong. They lied.
And now you're gone, And we cried,
'Cause It's not like you, to walk away in the middle of a song.
Your beautiful song. Your absolutely beautiful song.”

Too many people have or are considering leaving the stage in the middle of their beautiful song. That’s why we speak out and share our story. Sam shined. Sam had so much talent. He loved people for who they were. He made life more exciting. Sam had an incredible future ahead of him and we continue to love him deeply. So, yes, it’s natural to wonder: “Why?”

Last week I asked on my Instagram story if anyone had questions for my family and I about suicide, mental health, Sam’s story, etc… Or if there were any topics I ought to write about. I received some very thoughtful questions, so thank you. I’d like to TRY to address one of them today on Sam’s anniversary (March 13). It came from an old missionary friend who recently lost a promising young cousin to suicide. With a sense of desperation that I can definitely relate with, she posed  a similar question to "why." She asked:

“How? How can young people think this is the only solution?”

Her question is as complex and perplexing as it is blunt and simple. Some unfortunately might write-off such a question as inconsiderate, but I hope not. This question comes from the soul of one who is hurting, who is heart-broken, and who wants to better understand how to help our loved ones that feel so trapped.  So, for the sake of increasing understanding and empathy, I’m going to attempt to explain some of the jumbled thoughts that I think went through my brother’s very tired mind as he made his definitive decision. As Rascal Flatts said, “Who am I to try to judge or explain?” It’s a good point. I’m not going to try to judge. However, as I’ve thought about how to increase our confidence, competence, and hope, I have felt like it’s okay for me to try to explain at least some, so please bear with me. And Sam, if I am way off, please forgive me and be there for those reading this who need your help.

I’ll make a couple more disclaimers before I begin. This post necessitates a trigger warning label because I plan to address my brother’s mindset and actions head-on. Additionally, it’s often in asking questions like this that we instinctively also think, “What if?” That question is dangerous and unproductive. Please do not take even the first step down that road. Please recognize it for what it is: unproductive, self-defeating, self-loathing, and confidence-crushing. “The past is to be learned from, not lived in” (Elder Jeffrey R Holland, "The Best Is Yet To Be").

We of course seek to learn and become more competent, but nothing about asking “What if?” and living in the past helps us to heal, improve, or find the hope we all seek. As C.S. Lewis said, 

“The Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity… The Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.” 

Neither dwelling in the past nor trying to predict the future is very helpful, rather, questions that help us live in the present are where we want to focus most of our energies. Questions like the one I’m exploring today can help us sympathetically enter into the sacred mental space of one who is experiencing suicidal thoughts. I am eternally grateful for a very wise man who lost his own son to suicide who gave our family advice right after Sam died about not going down the “what if” road. There are better, more instructive, and hopeful questions we can and should ask in order to learn from the past. “What if?” is not one of them. With those disclaimers stated, I’ll start.

Sam began to really contemplate suicide when he was 15 years old. While learning to manage his own array of mental illnesses (almost entirely in private), he learned of the suicide of a friend of a friend at a nearby high school. With ADHD and OCD being significant pieces of Sam’s diagnoses, he became hyper-focused on the possibility of suicide being a way out. For almost a year, he fought. He went to different professionals, tried out different forms of therapy, played some rounds of medication lottery, and dug deep to survive. During that time, he grew tremendously in his spiritual health and developed a deep and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I am so proud of him for what he did in that last year. My parents were phenomenal in supporting him and helping him have the resources he needed to survive. I sincerely wish he would have let more of his close friends, cousins, and especially his siblings into his mental struggle, but for the most part, he kept his battle private.

Sometimes, he seemed to be doing better. He would work up his energy, go lead the student-section at the ball game, be everyone's hype man, and put on a face to his friends. Actually, let me rephrase that – In those times, he displayed his true self, but mostly in spurts. Unfortunately, his true self was exhausting while in his mentally ill state and he would afterwards slump into bed defeated, isolated, and feeling hopeless about the prospect of ever getting better. I don’t know exactly how many times he pondered suicide or made plans during this time, but I know it was a persistent, intruding, and overwhelming urge. Still, he fought. During those final weeks, we honestly thought he was doing a little better because he still shined his light and personality in specific key settings when we were together. I wish so badly we could have better seen through his infectious smile into the seriousness of his despair.

I’m going to break this post into 2 parts because it’s turning out to be very long. I’ll close this introductory segment by expressing some surface level reasons how I think Sam came to the conclusion that suicide was his only solution. In my next post, I’ll refer to the note Sam left us to help break down more specifically what I think are some common thought processes of our loved ones who struggle through suicidal ideation.

I think Sam thought he had to fight it alone. I think that because he had failed many times before, he assumed he would fail again. I think he tried to predict the future of what would be, when “the future is of all things LEAST like eternity” – it is not reality! I think he became affixed to the idea of suicide and struggled to let it go, eventually becoming part of what people call a suicide cluster. I think he shut us out because he felt guilty, sorry, and embarrassed for letting us down and not being able to carry it on his own. I think he relied heavily on isolation and digital entertainment as a band-aid for his feelings of hopelessness, rather than turning to the relationships and activities that likely would have served as a far more effective source of healing. I think that he had tremendous faith in Jesus Christ, but was confused about the reality and timing of God’s plan and thus wrongly convinced himself that although Jesus could fix him later, He could not provide him the happiness and peace he sought for in this life.

I think ultimately, he came to this conclusion being driven by his obsessive and meticulous personality traits, complicated mental state, and his diminished ability to see with clarity the beautiful life we all know he had in his future. Oh Sam, we miss you so much and wish you had let us be there for you. To my friends who are struggling, please, please choose to stay. Let your people into your mind because they love you dearly and anxiously want to be in your corner. Please know that suicide is NEVER the answer. You do not need to suffer alone. 

I know it’s scary. You might be worried what your loved ones will think of you. You might feel uncomfortable about being so vulnerable. You might be concerned that you will feel like a burden to them. PLEASE let your people in! Burdens in this life are rarely meant to be carried alone. You are NOT your burden. It is something you experience but it is NOT who you are. Please remember that there are so many willing and ready to stand by you, shouldering together the crushing burden that is your current reality. We ALL need help from others to see and think clearly when life gets hard. You are not alone, so please, hold on and keep fighting. 

Continued in part 2…