Increasing Hope, Confidence, and Competence

TRIGGER WARNING When I was in high school, I had a close friend who struggled with and gratefully survived repeated suicidal thoughts and attempts. A year later, I had another very dear friend who sadly lost a long-fought battle with cancer. It was during those years of my life that I grew attached to the Rascal Flatts song: “Why?” It’s a question I have asked a lot in my life. As you might imagine, losing a brother as dynamic and loving as Sam left all of us wondering. “You must've been in a place so dark, couldn't feel the light reachin' for you through that stormy cloud. Now here we are gathered in our little home town. This can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd. Oh why? That's what I keep askin'. Was there anything I could have said or done? Oh I, had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong,  and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song… You always played with passion no matter what the game. When ...

It's been a year since I've written. To be honest, life has moved forward in exciting and beautiful ways for our family. My baby (Sam's first niece) is growing up and has so much personality. Sam's brothers closest in age were both married to incredible women this last fall. Sam gained another nephew and niece within weeks of the wedding season. And Sam's youngest brother continues to carry on his love for rugby by proudly wearing number 7. Yes, we still hurt. Yes, whenever we gather, we feel the gaping hole Sam left when he chose to leave us. However, we move forward as a family. We are different. We are changed. Yet we are especially eager to live and love as Sam did.  This last year has been busy. My inspiration and ideas in writing have lacked substance. Today was unique though. Twice today I was reminded of the purpose of this blog and why it is so important:  To increase confidence , competence , and hope .  One experience was a text thread with an old student...

I am amazed that one year can contain the highest highs and the lowest lows. This year, I lost my 16-year-old brother, Sam, dealt with the COVID-19 pandemic and all its frustrating repercussions, felt torn politically between friends and family on both sides of important issues, had COVID, bought our first house, and most importantly, my wife and I welcomed our sweet angel baby girl into the world! The general craziness of 2020 is miniscule compared to the pain of dealing with my brother’s suicide. In the wake of all those life-altering experiences, it's safe to say that healing has often been very difficult for my family and I. Still, with the help of my wife and adorable baby, I have frequently found myself overwhelmed by greater joy than I have ever before experienced. So, today I wanted to write this post to address some main reflections I’ve had this past year, including some things I’ve learned about myself, trauma, mental illness, suicide prevention, and healing. As always...

Have Miracles Ceased? Last week, I was having a discussion with some friends about miracles. I believe in miracles and am so grateful for those I've seen. I believe what Moroni said in the Book of Mormon, that “God has not ceased to be a God of miracles” ( Mormon 9:15 ) . I actually just heard a quote I really liked in a movie yesterday, often attributed to Albert Einstein, that said, “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.”  I’ve seen too many “coincidences ” to deny that God is a God if miracles. But after the year that my family has had, sometimes the clarity of that statement gets muddled in my scattered brain. I won’t pretend to have many answers with this topic, but maybe some of the insights I’ve gained might help someone else in their search. If God is a God of miracles, why didn’t He send any of our family to be there for Sam on that cold, terrible day in March? While all unexpected deaths are life-shattering in their own way, suicide is its own category of t...

My angel Mother hosted a Teen discussion to help the youth in the fight with suicide and to give guidance to those who are seeking for peace regarding Sam's death. She is amazing and I love her so much for putting her whole heart and soul into inspiring hope, building confidence, and helping others develop a greater competence to conquer the darkness surrounding so many. We will not be silent about suicide! No one needs to suffer alone!  To help with the discussion,  Mom put together a list of suggestions based on our family's experiences. These are things that we know did help Sam when he was applying them, along with things we feel could have helped him had he chosen to stay. Many of these points also apply to those who wish to help friends who might be suffering. They are simple but meaningful suggestions that can be applied by anyone seeking for greater hope, confidence, and competence. We are all in a fight to save lives. Please feel free to share these suggestions with a...

What happened to Sam, and others who died by suicide, IMMEDIATELY after they passed away? This is one of those questions we don't know the answers to fully and maybe won't know the details until after this life. I’d like to someday read and match my understanding to the many stories of those who have died temporarily and come back to tell their story. The insights I have gained have helped me to have a much greater hope that those who have left us will be ok. My thought process on it may not be totally doctrinally accurate, but for now, it's the best I can come up with, so here we go!  First of all – I need to be clear of my feelings and I won’t beat around the bush. This might start off sounding hopeless at the beginning because reality needs to be addressed, but I promise – this is a message of hope! Correcting False Notions Sam messed up. Ending his life was a huge mistake. He wanted so badly to find relief from his depression and the hopelessness he felt. He told us...

What do you say when a friend trusts you enough to share that they're feeling suicidal? That's a very real question we likely all will face sometime in life. I wish I had an answer that fit every situation... but I don't think there is one because we are all unique. I'm no expert, but I hope this helps some.  In this situation, you can act as a first-responder. First of all - please thank and encourage your friend with all the love and energy you can muster! Opening up about suicidal thoughts can be so hard to do. If we respond to such a brave step with hesitancy, not taking them seriously, or with any hint of judgement, we run the risk of shattering their confidence in us and themselves. The FIRST THING to do is treat their situation seriously, thank them for being so open, and just love them like crazy. Nothing is more important and powerful than love. And you should know that professionals agree that talking about suicide does not make them more likely to end their l...

There is so much we do not know about suicide. We don't know all the details of what happens when someone leaves this life. Trust me, I would love to ask my brother, Sam, what he was thinking when he took that step... But we just can't understand all the reasons why someone would make such a drastic and permanent decision. And really, a lengthy discussion trying to find answers to some of those unanswerable questions just isn't very helpful or effective. However, I want to be absolutely clear in regards to suicide. Suicide is NOT the answer . My brother made a mistake - A permanent and tragic mistake.  Suicide is NOT an easy way out. Many people, including my brother, feel that they are in darkness. They begin to feel that the pain will never go away in this life, so they mistakenly reason that ending their life is the only way for relief. That couldn't be more false! The decision my brother made to end his life was not okay. It was a mistake that he made being very, v...