This last year has been busy. My inspiration and ideas in writing have lacked substance. Today was unique though. Twice today I was reminded of the purpose of this blog and why it is so important: To increase confidence, competence, and hope.
One experience was a text thread with an old student and friend who reached out thoughtfully to share her care for our family and an experience she recently had learning about death. Those messages I feel helped us both connect with the reality of life, death, and God's plan for us and find greater peace and understanding. The other was a friend who recently shared my blog with a neighbor who had lost a sibling to suicide. In both situations, I walked away immensely grateful for these great individuals' awareness and desire to learn and lift and give hope. I generally don't believe in coincidences. It's been years since I've seen this one friend, yet my wife and I ran into her tonight unexpectedly after she so recently shared my page with her neighbor. What she said inspired me.
As she excitedly explained her experience, she described how often with death, we don't know what to say so it's awkward, uncomfortable, and our communication stays surface level. Now though, she felt like she actually knew what to say and how to be there with them in their pain, without feeling awkward and unhelpful! It was awesome. She looked so confident in her newfound understanding and ability to be a support! So competent in determining in a moment of need what to say or not to say, what to do or not to do! And she was so full of hope. She had experienced the reality that as we connect with each other through these difficult losses in mortality, we can be strong, we can heal, and we can find peace. She said later in a message to me:
"We don't have to be okay after a sibling loss... But let's honor them by learning more about how they were feeling so we can know how to give love and support to those hurting... I felt like I was able to validate his experience and feelings without having been through it myself... I felt less scared bringing it up because I have awesome friends bringing awareness to suicide and making me feel like it's okay to talk about it... I better understand how serious depression is and how important it is to have sometimes uncomfortable conversations with those we love and might be suffering... Those who are grieving don't want their loved one to be forgotten..."
Later in describing another situation with a friend who lost a brother she said, "Death was almost an elephant in the room when all of our friends were together. I hated feeling like it was being avoided although we all knew she was hurting. So even learning ways to give space to friends to talk about loved ones has been beneficial to me."
What a perfect way to explain WHY I started this page. We need to create a space where we feel more confident and competent talking about mental illness, support systems, resources, grief, loss, God's plan, death, and trauma because people we love are hurting in many ways and no one needs to suffer alone! After both of those conversations today and with Sam's anniversary coming up this Sunday, I felt it was time to try writing again.
The other experience I've had on my mind recently was with a current student who approached me with tears in her eyes seeking for guidance about how to help a friend who had attempted suicide. My heart broke for her. I don't know all the feelings she was experiencing, but I believe I have felt at least some of them.
The sense of betrayal feeling like your friendship isn't enough to keep them alive.
The depression that sets in as you try to empathize with their pain.
The anxiety that spikes when it seems that their fragile life is in your trembling hands.
The horror of anticipating what your life would be like if they killed themselves, especially if you hadn't done all you could to save them.
And the awful paralysis that comes from a deep and terrible fear of losing someone you had fought for, someone you had love so dearly.
I looked at this student with pure love as she cried her way through her story. My heart swelled with gratitude for someone so good and so desirous to help, but not fully knowing how. Such a sweet soul shouldering such heavy emotional burdens. I remembered - Confidence. Competence. Hope. So we talked. We talked about the feelings. We talked about the resources. We talked about building confidence by recognizing that there is help available; that she didn't need to carry that heaviness alone! We talked about building competence by studying the resources, planning out questions she might ask, as well as when and how she might tactfully ask those questions in order to preserve their friendship, while still being a first responder as needed. Of course, as competence develops, so does confidence. And as confidence and competence evolve together, hope flourishes. Hope that lives can be saved. Hope that our efforts to study, to ask the hard questions, to support relentlessly, and love like crazy will be enough to help them choose to stay. Hope that no matter what happens, we trust that eventually, we CAN be okay.
So, as I get on and write tonight, that's what's on my mind. I am so grateful for confidence. I am so grateful for competence. And I am so grateful for hope. I am so grateful that my student who came into my office carrying the weight of a life on her shoulders left that day looking as light as a feather with a smile on her face. Why? Her confidence had grown. She was making a difference. Her competence had matured. She knew better how to think and to act to help her friend. Her hope was rekindled. She knew everything would be okay, even though in the dark moments it can seem like that light of hope is flickering. God bless her for her strength and her love. I told her how much it means to my family that teenagers like her are making themselves first responders. We are profoundly grateful for those special souls whose efforts to save lives help us heal from our Sam's life lost. These are they who shift the tide, who fuel the fire, who win the battle with mental illness. In her I see it. Battle by battle, that is how we win. And each battle won adds healing to our broken hearts.
Yes, I'm fired up. I'm beyond grateful. I'm bursting with excitement knowing that our efforts are making a difference. So are yours. It starts with you. Hit it head on. Increase your confidence. Study, prepare, and implement what you're learning. You will be competent enough! And above all - never, ever stop hoping. As an ancient Prophet once said - "whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world..." (Ether 12:4) We really do have reason to hope - Many, many reasons to hope for a better world. So move. Act. Don't be afraid. Be like Sam.
Sam had some major, major mental blocks, but man he was confident in certain things. For example, enjoy this video of his mediocre tackling form trying to take down a dude 100 pounds heavier than him hah! And watch a few plays later as he gets LAUNCHED trying to make another tackle on a beast of a dude. My brother was fearless in rugby. He went head on (maybe not in the safest, smartest way as you can tell).... What if we approached our efforts to help in the struggle with mental illness with that same energy and fearlessness?
What would we change?
What time would we devote to learning and understanding mental illness and how to help?
What mindsets would we adjust?
What uncomfortable, but necessary conversations would we have?
What support would we be in a position to extend?
What lives would we be more ready to save?
First, you must build up yourself. You need to make sure you are in a position that you can help. You need to be okay first. Self-care is essential if you are going to help someone else. If you need help, get help, but please start by building up yourself so you can lift another.
Second, do you see the spectrum of approaches here? You must listen and really listen. Listen to them, listen to the situation, listen to your own memories of past experiences, listen to your conscience, and listen to God. Really, deeply listen. As my Dad said to me once at a turning point of my life: "Never be afraid to step back, pause, and listen."
Third, Act. Now you can apply this spectrum from Jude. Sometimes, the fitting approach will be to have compassion, making a gentle, patient, loving, supportive difference. Other times, it's time to pull them out of the fire. You see the danger, so you need to get your butt in there and you yank them out, no matter the cost because of the deep love and concern you have. Often, that pulling them out of a dangerous situation will change the relationship. It might make things uncomfortable for a while. And it probably will NOT be a very tactful or smooth approach. BUT, they're out of the fire and you have saved a life. So, whether you make a difference with gentle love, or save a life by drastic measures, or likely, somewhere in between on that continuum, you can be confident that your efforts matter. You make a difference as you ACT.
I hope that helps. How am I feeling as we approach 2 years since that horrible day? I am hurt still. The trauma is still there. I still wish Sam were here to be the favorite uncle. I hate seeing my siblings and parents hurting so badly. But, healing is happening and life is beautiful. I feel confident. I feel competent. I feel full of hope. I feel a deep desire to live and love like Sam. I feel an ever deepening sense of gratitude for those of you who are making yourselves first responders and angels to those who are suffering. And I feel an overpowering love from friends, from family, and from God. My life has been changed by the healing power of connection, especially through connection with so many of you dear friends who fill me with "hope for a better world," free from the awful clutches of mental illness.It's time to open our eyes and get to work!
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